Humour short story competition - Runner Up

Six items.
That was all I had. Just six modest, straightforward items in my basket. I had a packet of paracetamol, a bag of lettuce, a bunch of bananas, a pizza, a bottle of red wine and a DVD box set of Lord of the Rings.
I’d had a heck of a first week teaching in a new school, and I thought I deserved a treat. And so, on the way home that Friday evening I’d stopped off at a supermarket to get myself a nice frozen meal and a bottle, and perhaps to treat myself to a DVD to watch while I ate.
Such a simple little plan. Or so I thought.
First thing was some headache tablets. Stress of the job I suspected, occupational hazard and all that, the result of spending eight hours a day in the company of primary-age children. Then I found the Lord of the Rings box set on offer. Then I grabbed some bananas and a lettuce, and then I spied a gorgeous-looking meat feast pizza. Finally, I grabbed a half-decent bottle of red, and I headed for the self-service checkout.
Six simple items. What could go wrong?
Placing my basket down, I attempted to scan the tablets. Immediately as I did so, the machine bleeped and a message announced: ‘Please wait, somebody is coming to assist you.’
‘Hello Sir? Having trouble?’
I turned to see an elderly little man standing next to me. He wore round glasses and had a narrow moustache, and underneath his supermarket costume I could see a perfectly-knotted tie.
‘Um, yes,’ I said. ‘I think it’s the paracetamol.’
‘That’s no problem sir, I’ll just authorise that for you,’ the man said. I saw his name tag; it read CEDRIC. He looked just like a Cedric.
‘I thought you did all the authorising at the end?’ I said.
‘New company policy Sir,’ Cedric said. ‘We authorise as we go along. You’re over twenty-one I assume?’
I smiled, but he was looking at me deadly seriously. I was thirty-four, and ten years as a teacher probably made me look forty-four.
‘Yes, I am,’ I said.
‘Do you have any ID?’
‘Any what?’
‘Any ID. Company policy Sir.’
‘But I’m thirty-four!’
‘And I’m sixty-eight, and I’d still need ID.’
Already bored with this officious little berk, I delved into my wallet for my driving licence. The little twerp actually looked at the photo and then back at me three times to make sure it was definitely me.
‘An old photo isn’t it?’ he said, handing the card back to me.
‘Yes it is,’ I said. ‘It was taken just before I came to this checkout.’
I put the card away, mouthing words I would not have uttered in front of my class as the little man walked back to his sentry point.
I scanned the bag of lettuce.
 Bleep.
‘Please wait, somebody is coming to assist you.’
‘Having trouble Sir?’ Cedric said, having pounced upon me before I’d even realised it.
I sighed. ‘For some reason it doesn’t like this lettuce.’
Cedric picked it up and examined the label over the top of his glasses. ‘Ah, I see why. You’ve picked up the curly leaf lettuce.’
‘Yes I have.’
‘But you see Sir, the machine thinks you’ve picked up a round lettuce.’ He tapped the screen with his authorisation card. ‘Any chance you can change your choice?’
‘What?’ I said, bemused.
‘Could you swap your lettuce with the correct one?’
‘This is the correct one!’ I said, my voice raised. ‘This is the one I want!’
Cedric gave a huge sigh. ‘Okay, I’ll just authorise this,’ he said, as though I was attempting to buy illegal drugs. He over-rid the choice of lettuce on the screen. ‘There we are Sir, glad to help.’
Help? I thought. It wasn’t my fault!
I picked up the bananas and, choosing loose bananas on the screen, I put them down to be weighed.
Bleep.
‘Please wait, somebody is coming to assist you.’
‘Having trouble Sir?’
Cedric was upon me in a flash. I looked at the screen and realised, in my haste, I’d accidentally tapped cucumbers. ‘Oh, yes, I see what I’ve done wrong.’
‘These are not cucumbers Sir,’ Cedric informed me. ‘Cucumbers are green. What you’ve got hold of here are bananas.’
‘Thank you,’ I said. ‘Would you mind showing me how to eat one as I’m a little unsure?’
Cedric reached for one of the bananas. ‘Well, you grab hold of this bit at the top and…’
I snatched the banana off him. ‘I was being sarcastic,’ I said.
Cedric looked affronted for a second, and then smiled. ‘Glad to have helped Sir,’ he said, returning to his designated spot.
Holding my breath, I picked up the pizza and scanned it.
Bleep.
‘Please wait, somebody is coming to assist you.’
‘Having tr…’
‘Yes!’ I shouted. ‘I am having trouble!’
Cedric peered at the screen. ‘Ah, I see what’s happened here,’ he said. ‘You’ve picked yourself a meat feast pizza, but the screen thinks you’ve chosen a Hawaiian. Is there any chance you could swap your pizza for the correct one?’
I glared at Cedric for several long seconds. ‘No,’ I said softly, breathing deeply to contain my frustration. ‘I want a meat feast pizza. I want the one I’ve picked up. That’s the one I want. I don’t want Hawaiian, Margherita, spinach and ricotta or even roast dog and nettle. I want a meat feast pizza!’
‘Hawaiian is very nice Sir.’
‘I don’t want bloody Hawaiian!’ I yelled. ‘What idiot decided to put pineapple on a pizza anyhow? What next? Strawberries? Bat droppings?’
Cedric sighed. ‘Very well,’ he said. ‘I’ll just over-ride the computer.’
He leaned past me and scanned his card. ‘Glad to have helped Sir,’ he said as he left me.
I looked into my basket. The wine bottle.
I turned to Cedric and beckoned him over. He trotted across to me like an obedient spaniel in spectacles. ‘Yes Sir?’
‘Now, listen to me Cedric,’ I said. ‘I’m about to scan this wine. Just to confirm, this is the one I want.’ I looked at the label. ‘Chilean Merlot. Five pounds ninety five as I recall. And, before I scan it, I am over twenty-one. Would you like to supervise me while I scan it?’
I scanned the wine.
Bleep.
‘Please wait, som…’
‘HE’S HERE!’ I yelled at the screen. ‘HE’S BLOODY HERE! HE’S ALWAYS HERE!’
Cedric looked at me. ‘I’m sorry Sir, but I have to ask you, are you over tw…?’
‘Yes! You already know I’m over twenty-one! You found that out when I bought the bloody paracetamol!’
‘Please Sir, let me finish,’ Cedric said evenly. ‘I was going to ask, are you over twenty-five?’
‘Twenty five?’
‘Yes Sir. That’s the age limit I have to check for alcohol requests.’
I reached into my wallet for my driving licence. ‘Yes, I am over twenty-five,’ I said, shoving the card under Cedric’s fat nose so that he nearly swallowed it. ‘Would you like to cut me in half and count my rings to make sure?’
Once again the little idiot actually double checked the photo against my face before handing the card back to me. He authorised the machine and then returned to his waiting area. ‘Glad to have helped Sir.’
I looked in my basket. The DVD box set was all that was left. I scanned it and put it down the other side of the scanner.
Bleep.
‘Please wait, somebody is coming to assist you.’
‘Having trouble Sir?’ Cedric said, pouncing like an unwanted hobbit. ‘Ah, The Lord of the Rings box set.’  
‘I know,’ I said. ‘But why won’t the damn thing scan?’
‘Because the machine doesn’t recognise the weight of the item with the security tag on,’ Cedric explained. ‘What you might call an unexpected item in the Baggins area, if you will.’
There followed about ten whole seconds of complete silence, followed by, if I wasn’t very much mistaken, a billow of tumbleweed rolling lazily down the nearest aisle.
Cedric picked up the box set and flicked off the security device on his little gadget before handing the box back to me.
‘I’m very good at analysing people,’ he said suddenly and extremely proudly. Would you like me to analyse you?’
‘No,’ I said quickly, and then I looked again at his round little face, with those round glasses and the perfect sluggish moustache atop his upper lip. ‘Okay, Cedric,’ I said. ‘Go on. Analyse me.’    
‘Okay then,’ he said. ‘I think you’re a single man who works hard. It’s Friday night, and you think you’ve earned yourself a treat. So you buy yourself a meal of your favourite Deluxe Range meat feast pizza with a side of lettuce, which you intend to wash down with a bottle of wine whilst watching a DVD box set.’
‘What a ridiculous hypothesis.’
‘Just tell me Sir; am I right?’
‘Yes you are.’
‘Thank you very much,’ Cedric said, and strolled away with as much of a swagger as he could manage.
I tapped the screen to show I’d scanned my shopping and I chose the card payment option. I scanned my card.
Bleep.
‘Please wait, somebody is coming to assist you.’
‘Oh, Cedric, nice to see you again,’ I said breezily as he arrived instantly at my side. ‘It must be, oh, five seconds since we last spoke.’
‘Having trouble Sir?’ he said, peering at my card. ‘Ah, I think I can see your problem. Your credit card’s expired.’
I looked at the date. It had expired the previous day.
‘Not having a very good day, are we Sir…’ Cedric said, smiling at me.

*

And that was how, an hour later, I ended up handcuffed and being bundled into the back of a police car.
I regret what I did now of course. And I’m sorry for Cedric, and I hope he recovers very soon. I didn’t plan it that way; genuinely I didn’t. It just so happened that the cucumber section was the nearest one I could reach.