Dialogue-only Short Story Competition - Runner Up

Ah…Brian Whitburn. Come in Brian. Take a seat.

Right-o, Mr Grieve! Ooohh…lovely office you have. You know, I was at an interview once where they told me to take a seat, so I picked up the seat and walked out with it! It was hilarious. Everyone was laughing like mad!

Really?

Well, no. Not really. In fact I don’t think anyone got the joke. That’s why I like working here Mr Grieve. You all have such a great sense of humour.

Indeed.  Well you know why you’re here Brian.

Well I presumed it was a catch up to see how I’ve been getting on these last two weeks, Mr Grieve. And let me say – fantastic! Everyone’s lovely. You run a tight ship if I may so Mr Grieve. No complaints at all.

That’s not why you’re here Brian. Did you actually read the email I sent?

Yes, I did. Well…most it. Well…some of it. Well…the time. I read the time. Got that spot on.

You didn’t actually, Brian. It said to come at 4.15pm, and this is 4.45.

Ah, well. Nearly there…Bit late, I see.

And it was tomorrow…

Ah. Well, that’s very early, then. I see that. Very punctual, ha ha! Don’t worry, I’ll pop back tomorrow…

No sit, Brian. As well to deal with this now. Now if you’d read the email you’d have seen that this was a disciplinary hearing in relation to potential gross misconduct. Do you know what that means?

Yes. Yes I do.

Do you?

No. No I don’t.

It means that there have been allegations put of certain incidents involving you which if true would amount to behaviour justifying instant dismissal. You understand?

Yes.

Do you?

No.

You’re accused of some bad things Brian.

Oh. Oh dear. I’m sure I’ve done nothing wrong. I’m sure it’s all a misunderstanding Mr. Grieve.

Right. Well the first misunderstanding occurred last Thursday. Your fourth day of work. You didn’t come in. When phoned, your explanation was that it was your birthday.

Yes it was.

Right. You think it’s okay to stay off because it’s your birthday?

Well, yes. Especially given the amount of drink I’d had the night before, Mr Grieve. Wouldn’t have been right me having to speak to colleagues in that state. In fact I still had a terrible hangover on the Friday.

So that’s why you were also off on the Friday?

Yes, Mr Grieve. Still, lesson learned. I will try and handle my alcohol better for next year. Hopefully make it in by lunchtime anyway.

Right. Given the number of issues we have to get through we’ll move on. There was an incident, in the ladies’ toilets, on Tuesday this week. About 10 o’clock?

Was there? That’s odd. I was in the ladies’ toilets on Tuesday at that time and I don’t recall any incident.

You…? Your presence WAS the incident, Brian. Look – just to be clear. You should not BE in the ladies toilets.

Oh I see. Well I understand that in general. But I thought there were exceptions, if for example someone was born male but self-identified as female, they could use the ladies. I thought a forward-thinking organisation like this one would recognise such an exception.

What – are you saying you consider yourself female?

What? God, no. I’m male, Mr Grieve, born and identifying as. I can prove it, look.

No…NO! STOP. Sit down! Pull up your…thank you…Look, point I’m making is, the exception you’ve mentioned wouldn’t apply to you.

Yes, I do see. But I was just thinking that perhaps it wasn’t a hard and fast rule.  And the male toilets were being cleaned and frankly I couldn’t be bothered walking back to my desk. I see now that I should have waited Mr Grieve. I will bear that in mind for future.

Right…. Moving on. Point three. The fridge, Brian. In the staff canteen.

Ohh, yes I know it and I’m familiar with it Mr Grieve. And I think it a fantastic thing to have. It shows the generous nature of the staff here where people donate food to a fridge for others to eat. It’s good that they leave their names on too, as you can thank them afterwards. Lydia in Accounts makes a lovely chicken curry. I’d donate myself but I’m a terrible cook.

Dona…? Brian, the fridge is not for people to donate food. It’s where they keep their lunches. That they’ve made. For themselves. You have been stealing other people’s lunches Brian. Constantly. For two weeks.

Ah…now that you mention it Mr Grieve, that makes a lot more sense. I did wonder why Alastair in marketing was so terse when I complimented him on his meatball casserole. Now it all adds up.

Adds up? For the love of…right… More significantly, there was a very serious incident on Monday when thousands of pounds worth of equipment was almost disposed of.

Ah yes, I’m fully aware of that Mr Grieve. That was regrettable. A misunderstanding

A misunderstanding?  That made you disconnect all the phones and computers from all the desks in the entire floor, then empty them into black plastic bags and throw them out with the rubbish?

Yes Mr Grieve. It was a misunderstanding between myself and Gina, my line manager. She told me to clear up after everyone left at five. She give me a list of things to do. One of them I noted was to ensure compliance with the “clean desk policy.” On checking that policy on the intranet, I noted that desks had to be clear of everything at 5, and anything left on desks would be disposed of. All those computers and phones clearly contradicted that policy, Mr Grieve. I was doing as I was instructed. In retrospect it was something of a communication breakdown between myself and Gina. But please don’t take it out on her. Blame me.

That’s exactly the way I’m going Brian.

Still, no harm done, Mr Grieve. Apart from poor Gina falling flat on her face whilst chasing the bin lorry all the way down the street once she realised what had happened. Quite nasty bruises on her face. Hope she’s ok.

We’ll leave that and come to the most serious incident Brian. It involves Mr Gormley. Tuesday.

Mr Gormley? HR manager?

Yes Brian.  An incident relating to Mr Gormley and his desk. Mean anything to you?

Hmmm…not ringing any bells Mr Grieve.

I’ll clarify. You were working late on Tuesday?

Indeed I was Mr Grieve. Commendable, I’m sure you’ll agree.

Right.  Rather than me describe what happened I’d like you to take a look at this CCTV video playing on my laptop. Here. Tell me what’s happening.

Happy to, Mr Grieve. Hmm…that’s me all right. Handsome fella, ha ha! At my desk, eating my prawn sandwich… I’m getting up and… I’m…oh….yes…I see I’m …oh dear… Oh that is unfortunate. I see how that looks Mr Grieve. Not pleasant. Not at all.

I really don’t want an explanation Brian.

Thanks goodness, Mr Grieve. I really don’t want to give one.

Unfortunately for both of us I’m duty bound to ask you for an explanation and I have to note it down. So can you do that?

I’ll try my best, Mr Grieve. It was that prawn sandwich. In retrospect, it had smelled slightly funny. Anyway, as I was working, it began – suddenly, violently - to disagree with me. At first I thought I was going to be sick, then I realised the problem was, ahem, focusing itself in another area. It was all so sudden. The toilets were too far away and I knew Mr Gormley’s desk had a big bottom drawer. I jumped up, ran over, pulled the drawer open, and just in the nick of time I…well, you’ve seen what happened, Mr Grieve. It doesn’t make for family viewing, I’ll grant you, but I was placed in an invidious position. Afterwards I grabbed a piece of paper to clean myself. I realise how it looks Mr Grieve but I think it could really have happened to anyone. Yes, in hindsight, perhaps I could have done things differently. But I made a judgement call. Is the problem that I didn’t wash my hands afterwards, before going back to my desk? I normally do obviously but of course there wasn’t a sink handy. And also, I probably should have thought to let Mr. Gormley know.

Not washing your hands was not the crucial issue here Brian. But yes, the incident having happened, you should very much have mentioned it. And that “piece of paper” – do you know what that was?

Noooo…

It was a photograph of Mr Gormley’s grandchildren. That he found, in his bottom drawer. On Wednesday morning. Along with, ahem, the remaining… fruits of your labour.

I see that can’t have been a good start to his day…

Indeed. So Brian, I think you see that you leave me with no choice.

I do understand.  Mr Grieve. And I am sorry to have let you down. I also don’t know how I’ll break it to Uncle William.

Yes well...wait…Uncle William?

Yes?

Ah…right…I’m sure this is just a coincidence but there is a William Whitburn who is the CEO of Robbins & Guild…

Yes! That’s him. It was him who encouraged me to apply for this job, Mr Grieve. He thinks very highly of your company. That’s why he gives it so much business.

Ah…yes…yes he does….indeed about 40% of new referrals are from Robbins & Guild…

44% I understand… Anyway, he’ll be disappointed in me. He has no children of his own, so I am like a son to him. I’ve let him down…

Wait, Brian…Ha ha!  I’m thinking…perhaps we’re being slightly hasty…After all, gender neutral toilets are becoming a thing…and, er, donating fridges perhaps ought to be encouraged…and who knows…our clear desk policy could have been clearer…

And Mr Gormley’s desk…?

I’m going to have to work on that one Brian.

But you’ll give me another chance? That’s wonderful Mr Grieve! Back in tomorrow at 9?

Tomorrow at 9 Brian.

Or 1-ish? I’ve a big night out tonight…

1-ish would be fine Brian.