How Tina Turner Turned It Round For Doreen By Sally Curtis
Doreen was an exotic dancer at the Melrose Home for the Elderly. She performed Tuesdays and Thursdays after tea, with a matinee every third Saturday. She couldn’t manage more as, along with her grumbling varicose veins giving her an unsightly lumpy left leg, her muscles were beginning to complain under the growing strain.
Today, however, was a special occasion as Colonel Stansfield, the new octogenarian on the block, would be amongst the audience, so Doreen attached her most sparkly tassels to her nipples, which seemed to have slipped further down her breasts again, and sat down to put on her thong. Joan said that sitting to put on your knickers was another step towards decline, but Doreen ignored her. Although they shared a room, they were not friends due to Joan’s excessively competitive nature.
Last year, having noticed a pole supporting the false ceiling in the day-room, Doreen had thankfully switched from lap-dancing to the discipline of the pole. She hadn’t needed many secretive night-time practice sessions as her years in the fire brigade had prepared her well; she could have been a professional except that the only thing her audience poked down her drawers were their prescriptions and unfinished crossword puzzles.
Lately though, the moves heightened her vertigo as she rotated through the kaleidoscopic gummy grins of Albert, Tommy and Mavis, before finishing with Harry’s full set of glinting dentures reflecting in the disco ball. More often than not, she was knackered before the song ended and her slut-drop resembled an imitation of someone having a partial stroke. So, this was not only her swan-song but the chance to nab her man before Joan got in there – again.
Private Dancer blared from the cassette player as Doreen grape-vined across the parquet flooring. She spotted the Colonel instantly but next to him sat a simpering Joan, her blouse unbuttoned, proudly displaying her new push-up bra over her vest.
Doreen seamlessly leapt into the flamingo pose and then transitioned into a scissor sit. In retaliation, Joan slid down her compression stockings and then rearranged her meagre bosoms but Doreen reacted instantly with a twisted back-hook spin. It was at that moment that Joan deftly pulled half a cheese-and-cucumber sandwich from her sewing bag and tossed it at the foot of the pole. As Doreen spun back, her heel caught the crust and the sole of her left Hush Puppy slid through the thin grey bread making contact with the layers of yellow margarine and wet filling. Losing her grip on the pole, her first thought was for her hip, reinforced by the horrified, triple Os of Albert, Tommy and Mavis’ toothless mouths.
Suddenly, strong arms lowered her to the floor and, expecting the face of the Colonel, she was surprised by a full set of gleaming dentures. Tenderly, Harry cradled her in his arms.
‘Let Joan have that old curmudgeon,’ he purred. ‘He doesn’t deserve you,’ and, cupping her chin in his hands, he bent forward and kissed both her tassels.
Judges Comments
There isn't a wasted word or a missed beat in How Tina Turner Turned It Round For Doreen, Sally Curtis's comical short story which made the judges laugh their way to crowning it the winner of WM's competition for 500-word short stories.
Based on the unlikely conceit of Doreen taking up pole dancing as a resident in an old people's home, Sally blends gentle but spot-on comedy with a heartwarming tale of Doreen triumphing over her snitty rival Joan and gaining the affections of Harry, the only person in the room with a full set of teeth. Displaying perfect comic timing and embedding the off-beat gems of details that lift the piece into the realms of pure comedy (Doreen pole dancing in Hush Puppies, Joan wearing her push-up bra over her vest), Sally builds up her story to a climax that also works as the punchline to a well-told shaggy dog story.
The story is particularly enjoyable for the way it juxtaposes technical pole-dancing terms and moves that are way beyond most of us, let alone those in our later years, with things like nasty sandwiches and compression stockings, in the unlikely context of an old people's home. It creates an offbeat, original comic slant that really raises a smile. But Sally's writing also makes the point that her characters may be elderly people, but they're also fired up with the same emotions as anyone else: passion, revenge, rivalry. All that in 500 words, with many a chortle along the way. Short, sharp and sweet. Hats off to Sally - and to Doreen. You go, girl.
Shortlisted
Also shortlisted in the 500-word competition were: Iain Andrews, Norwich; Roseann Hughes, Pannal, North Yorkshire; Kathryn Kantner, Los Angeles, California; Jeanette Lowe, Sheffield, South Yorkshire; Kathleen Pardoe, Sheffield; Lizzy Perkins, Gillingham, Kent; Valerie Powell, Alresford, Southampton; AJ Reid, Heswall, Wirral; Amy Wright, Ypsilanti, Michigan