Under the Microscope extra

James McCreet critiqued Move Over Bridget Jones! (There's another eejit in town) by subscriber Bernadette Price, in the June issue of Writing Magazine.

Read his suggested rewrite of the passage below, and get the June issue for his full commentary

ORIGINAL

“Oh, dear God”, groaned Liz to herself, “here I go again, I’m a walking disaster. What was it that Bridget Jones said about how when your life is going well in one area, it tends not to be so good in another ? Oh yeah…..”

“It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces.”

In Liz’s case, her career was flourishing, having recently been promoted to Assistant Creative Manager for ProEssence, the new range of fitness wear for the busy career woman. Although this Monday morning, her “flourishing career” didn’t feel so flourishing as she stood in the pouring rain at the bus stop since her “faithful” Mini, which she called, er, Minnie, decided not to be so faithful, and therefore had cheated on her in spite of all the tyre kicking she had received at the hand, or more precisely, the foot of Liz’s Jimmy Choos (bought to celebrate the promotion, but were now sporting a rather fetching dent in the toe area). Nope, her career was certainly not feeling so flourishing at that precise moment in time, since she was already late for the 8 am beginning- of –the- week breakfast meeting, and looking like the proverbial drowned rat.

Yep, that was just the icing on the cake: it went very well with her love life, which was a complete non- starter; a car crash; an “also ran”, but hey, work’s going great, thanks. The perfect end to the perfect weekend. Not. She had gone on a date on Saturday evening with the sexy painter/decorator who she had been flirting with when he had come to decorate her new flat last month.

McCREDITED

Oh, dear God, thought Liz. Here I go again. I’m a walking stereotype. What was it that Bridget Jones said? Oh yeah:

“It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces.”

Superficially, her career was flourishing. She’d been promoted to Assistant Creative Manager for ProEssence, the new range of fitness wear for the busy career woman. On this Monday morning, however, her career felt more superficial than flourishing as she stood at the bus stop in the pouring rain.

Her faithful Mini – Minnie – had decided to be unfaithful. That was bad enough, but Liz had also damaged her foot and her new Jimmy Choos (bought to celebrate the promotion) with an ill-considered retaliatory kick at Minnie’s tyre. Evidently, Mr Choo never intended a dented toe to be part of his design.

So she was wet, hobbled and already late for the 8.00am beginning-of-the-week breakfast meeting. She made a drowned rat look like a catwalk model.

At least she had her love life. Ha! What a car crash that was at the moment! On Saturday evening, she’d gone on a date with the sexy painter/decorator she’d flirted with when he’d come to refresh her new flat last month. If you called a date three hours in a noisy pub, a kebab and a turpentine-scented fumble on the doorstep.

But, hey – work’s going great, thanks!