Author experience: Writing with tinnitus

Sometimes, we don’t appreciate what we have until it’s gone. Silence is what I took for granted – absolute, pure silence.

I’ve been living with tinnitus for fourteen years now – an ongoing ringing/buzzing sound in my left ear. According to the NHS, tinnitus is the name for hearing noises that do not come from an outside source. They may come and go, or you might hear them constantly.

In my case, it’s twenty-four hours, seven days a week. It’s as if I’m hearing a kettle whistle in the distance while having a bee buzz next to my ear. 

I first experienced tinnitus when I was twenty-one. I was trying to go to sleep when I felt my eardrum pop; a loud, ringing sound followed. I startled awake, confused. It reminded me of the high-frequency trill I would get after a night out – but I hadn’t listened to loud music. Somehow, I managed to fall asleep, thinking that by the following morning, it would be gone. But when I woke, the sound was still there. And it hasn’t left since.

Thankfully, over the years, the high-pitched ring got quieter until one day, I started to hear a dull, vibrating sound. This time, I didn’t rely on Google for a diagnosis. I booked an appointment with my GP, who referred me to an audiologist. After various tests, it was confirmed that I had tinnitus. The good news is that I didn’t have any hearing loss – a cause sometimes linked to the condition. But the bad news . . . tinnitus is incurable.

When the doctor told me this, it felt like I’d been given a life sentence. I had already been struggling, and the news made me feel even more hopeless. I was also in the thick of writing my first book, Yinka, Where is Your Huzband?, and because I was acutely aware of my tinnitus, my productivity dipped. Completing my manuscript seemed difficult before; now, it was almost impossible.

Fast forward a decade, and I’m now the author of two books. I’m also living comfortably with my condition. So, how did I get to this place? Below are my top tips.
 
Mask the sound

It sounds obvious, but the key is finding a sound that works for you. I tried writing with low music playing in the background but couldn’t stay focused. I also tried soothing ocean sounds, raindrops and the infamous ‘white noise.’ What works best for me is having the fan or humidifier switched on or having the sounds of crackling fire on loop – thank you, YouTube. Over time, my mind subconsciously associated those sounds with writing, which helped me get into the zone quicker. These days, I don’t need masking sounds as much, only when the ringing/buzzing is particularly loud.
 
Relax
There is some evidence that stress worsens tinnitus. Sometimes, writing can be stressful – there’s the never-ending task of editing, trying to overcome writer’s block, deadlines. The last thing you need is to be agitated about your tinnitus – something you cannot control. Anytime I got frustrated, I reminded myself to relax. Relaxation can be anything from taking deep breaths to a hot shower to talking with a friend. I found that when I focused on my tinnitus, it got worse, and when I didn’t, it got better (or maybe I just felt better). Focusing requires energy, which can be better channelled into writing. The less I fret about the sounds in my ear, the more it frees me up to be creative.
 
Come to a place of acceptance

The biggest game changer was accepting that tinnitus was now a part of me. For a long time, I tried to fight it both mentally and physically. In desperation, I watched YouTube videos with titles such as ‘Exercises to relieve tinnitus’, which only resulted in me having a sore ear. Once I finally accepted that my tinnitus wasn’t going anywhere, I began to strategize not only how to live with it day-to-day but also how to work with it as a writer. I realised that my tinnitus would only hold me back if I allowed it to. In the past, I’ve abandoned writing sessions because the buzzing felt too much, even with the masking sound. I eventually realised I was using this as a crutch – an excuse not to write when the writing got too hard. So, I had to come to peace with it. It’s a bit like men who lose their hair getting used to being bald. Over time, you learn how to adapt and appreciate the new you until one day you just forget. I’m living proof of this – while writing this article, I could hear that familiar nagging sound. But I still managed to finish with a smile on my face.

The Re-Write by Lizzie Damilola Blackburn is published by Penguin on 13 February (£9.99)

Read more from Lizzie in the April issue of Writing Magazine, on sale on 6 March.

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